Man Who Posted Something Mildly Offensive on MySpace 14 Years Ago Set to Be Stoned to Death on Brighton Beach

Organisers have today revealed that tickets are selling fast for a public stoning scheduled for the 24th of February on Brighton beach, the first event of its kind since 1878.

Matthew Cook, was convicted to ‘death by stoning’ earlier this year after a bored co-worker decided to trawl through his social media in search of something to get offended by.

The colleague who unearthed the scandalous post was prolific do-gooder and all round nob jockey extraordinaire, Gemma Faraday. ‘I was really struggling for something to get offended by’, she exclusively told The Brighton Bulletin. ‘It had been a couple of weeks since I had last kicked up a right royal fuss about something trivial. My colleague Matt was starting to piss me off at work so I decided to spend the next few weeks trawling through his social media history to see if I could find something that offended me. Unfortunately he seemed to be a really nice fella but then I checked out his MySpace and found a post about how sexy his girlfriend at the time looked, and that her hair looked nice.  How dare he I thought, the dirty sexist bastard, objectifying women like that! I started a Facebook petition to get him sacked which was hugely successful. I also presented the evidence to Sussex police and the rest is history’ She gleamed.

Despite Matthew being 13 and three quarters when the offence took place Sussex Police decided that in the current climate Matthew needed to be made an example of and sentenced him to death by stoning. A statement from the condemned Mr Cook read –

 ‘Although I am disappointed with the verdict I do understand that I need to face the consequences of my despicable actions. I would like to apologise to women worldwide for a comment that was both extremely offensive, naive and something I regret deeply. I would advise anyone out there who has ever done anything stupid in their former years to hand themselves in and face the music.’

Tickets for the stoning are limited but are priced at £50 each or £150 for a family day pass. They can be purchased from selected retailers across the city.