We have all been there, it’s the work Christmas party, you have been stuck listening to Tracey from accounts shoot her mouth off about her broken marriage for the last 45 minutes. You want to go home however you don’t want a fuss over leaving, you do not want anyone to try and convince you to stay and you definitely do not want to spend half an hour kissing everyone goodbye.
With the Christmas party season well and truly upon us The Brighton Bulletin has compiled these handy tips in order to help you pull off the perfect ‘backdoor boogie’ and escape those festive celebrations with no one batting an eyelid.
1 – Always be aware of your of quickest escape route.
On arrival at the venue assess the room, know where your exits are and the quickest most discreet way to reach them. In cases where there are more than one exit DO NOT presume the closest is the best, it may well be closer but if you have to walk past the bar it is a definite no. A more discreet exit, even if it takes longer, is always the choice of an experienced backdoor boogier.
2 – Stay committed.
Once you have made your mind up to go, go. Do not hesitate, do not think about it. Get your head down, maintain a steady but brisk walking pace, remain calm and do not look back. A poorly executed, half baked boogie will always arouse suspicion and draw unwanted attention. Even if you hear an ‘Oi where are you going?’, ignore it and crack on.
3 – Never return to the scene of the crime.
Once you are out, stay out. If you have left something behind you need to realise it is gone forever. You made your choice, now stick with it. You are likely to receive some calls from pals wondering where you have gone, ignore them and do not open texts. If they file a missing persons report then so be it, the shame of returning after a back door boogie is not worth it. Turn your phone on at about 10am the next day a pretend nothing happened.
4- Ensure you are at least 500 metres from the venue before calling a cab.
The last thing you need is ‘Dog Breath Dave’ from IT coming out for his rolley to find you waiting for a cab. Save embarrassment and the possibility of having to rejoin the party by putting a safe distance between yourself and the venue.
5 – Pick your moment.
Timing is everything here. A trial run of an extended time in the toilet cubicle is always a good barometer of the reaction you are going to get. If no one notices your stint on the bog then you should be fine, if you are met with a load of ‘where have you been’s’ you may have to sit tight for a while. Another top tip is make sure you have just bought a round, people are generally very good at finding someone who owes them a drink.
6 – Do not tell a soul.
A backdoor boogie is all or nothing. It doesn’t matter if Julie from HR is moving to Australia and you are unlikely to see her again. As soon as one person knows it quickly becomes two and before you know it, it’s 5am and you are putting the world to rights at some weirdo’s Kemptown flat.
7 – Get your story straight.
You are likely to have to answer some questions the next day. Do not worry, just make sure you have your story straight. Here are a couple of classics to get you through –
‘Ah sorry I must have missed you, I said bye to everyone else’
‘Sorry I felt unwell and had to shoot’
‘Yea I was there until the bitter end mate, where were you I couldn’t find you?’
8- Stay out and stop being such a tart.
If you can’t do the crime don’t do crime. Stay out, enjoy yourself and be merry you miserable gits.
The Brighton Bulletin 