Brighton’s Top Deliveroo Cyclist Tests Positive For ‘Performance Enhancing Substance’


The career of Brighton’s leading Deliveroo rider has been left in tatters after a Russian website leaked results of a positive drugs test.

Dan Smith, known to his regulars as ‘Double Quick Dan’, is yet to comment on the leak but it is widely believed he will deny all of the claims and blame it on his hayfever or some other shite when he breaks his silence in an exclusive interview with Andrew Marr tomorrow.

Brighton’s Deliveroo Cyclists, who now make up a fifth of the city’s population and out number car drivers at a ratio of two to one, have come under increased pressure recently as long standing world delivery records began being broken at an alarming rate. Suspicion first arose when a member of the public contacted BADA (Brighton Anti Doping Agency) after she saw Dan cycle up the Elm Grove laden with takeaways without having to get off an push once. However the Russian hacking group began their sting after word broke of Dan getting a Chilli Pickle takeaway out to a customer in West Hove and then a Pizza Face to a woman in Falmer all within the space of 10 minutes.

One of Dan’s regular customers Nikki Flint  told The Bulletin of her disappointment when she heard the news, ‘I’m gutted really, he was always so quick and a nice fella. To be honest I couldn’t give a monkey’s what he does, he could stick a firework up his backside for all I care, as long as my curry is piping hot I couldn’t give a shite’ she said.

Today’s revelations are not the first scandal hit the company as last year 6 cyclists were arrested in a people smuggling operation after they hid immigrants in their bags across the Brighton-Worthing border.

A statement from BADA is expected this evening. Stay tuned to The Bulletin for more news as this breaking story evolves.

2 thoughts on “Brighton’s Top Deliveroo Cyclist Tests Positive For ‘Performance Enhancing Substance’

  1. This doesn’t make any sense iam a deliveroo rider used to work 8-10 hours almost every day along elm grove ,southover,albion Hill, some crazy hills never pushed the bike ride it with top speed never pushed the bike 😁


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